


The thin line between love and hate

by Centum



Category: Star Wars Legends: The Old Republic
Genre: M/M, SWTOR, malavai quinn - Freeform
Language: English
Status: Completed
Published: 2015-12-30
Updated: 2015-12-30
Packaged: 2018-05-10 10:37:36
Rating: Mature
Warnings: No Archive Warnings Apply
Chapters: 1
Words: 3,745
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/5582452
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/Centum/pseuds/Centum
Summary: <blockquote class="userstuff">
              <p>The Emperor's Wrath got his Malavai back, but things don't work out quite as he hoped for. Rated M for some sexual references. "Prologue" hints to the vibe of their relationship before the Great Betrayal.</p>
            </blockquote>





	The thin line between love and hate

**Prologue**

I'm standing on the flight deck with Captain Quinn, planning our next move. He is explaining something to me, all professional as always. My eyes are wandering all over his body. I have no patience to concentrate in his lecture when he is bending over the console like that. I know there is a treasure under that uniform. I think I might want to search for that treasure tonight.

”Captain, I think I have a need to discuss with you about this - later in my cabin,” I say and smirk. He stops talking and glances me with a look I'm not able to interpret. There is something...ah, what am I thinking. He is my Captain and does as I want. And besides, he is crazy about me! And he should be. It is a great honour to be chosen by a Sith.

I lie on my bed, thinking about sleeping when I hear a silent knock on my door. Oh yes, I told Captain to come to me tonight. I had almost forgotten. I open the door for him and he steps in.

”Clothes off, don't make me wait for you,” I tell him when I begin to remove my own clothing. Slowly he takes his uniform off and folds it neatly on the chair. It is almost more than my patience can take.

He doesn't make a sound when I take him. He is absolutely delicious being, all white and pink skin and tight muscles. Every time he is under me, I congratulate myself for the luck that brought him into my ship. At least one thing Baras got right: Sending him to me. I groan and shudder when I come. I check if he came too. No, he didn't. But I'm too tired to do anything about it, and my mind is already planning tomorrow.

”Was it all, my Lord?” I hear a tight voice next to me. I kiss him because his lips are soft and warm, and I ask him to stay with me. It is nice to have his warm body next to mine, and who knows, I might be horny in the morning.

In the middle of the night I wake up to something that sounds like crying, but when I turn around it stops. I must have been imagining things.

 

* * *

**Present**

 

I'm tired of saying I'm sorry. How many times can you say it in a row before it has lost all its meaning?

It's like me and Malavai haven't done anything else lately than argued and fought. We are at each others throat every single day. Then we kiss and make up, and the more we do it the shallower it feels. I already know the next fight is just around the corner.

And it doesn't affect only me, of course. Malavai is drained. He gets mad at me, yells, feels bad, and then forgives me when I say I'm sorry. Half of the time I don't even have an idea of what I did. I wish he would punch me once for good and be done with whatever is bugging him. Really, I wouldn't mind. It would only hurt me once, now I suffer all the time.

The rest of the crew is walking on the eggshells around us, because they don't know either what to do with this angry version of Captain Quinn. Sorry, former Captain. If I make a mistake and call him "Captain", I'm in a doghouse for the rest of the day. First they were glad to get him back, because his skills were sorely needed. He had taken care of so many things without us even noticing it, and when he left, the others had to try to handle them without any experience. They were happy to give him back his old duties. He is not part of the military-personnel anymore, so I just named him to be my Tactical Advisor/Assistant. He needed a title so the Imperium would pay his wages.

Now the crew is tired of seeing us constantly in each others hair. They had to get used to us having a relationship openly. Of course they knew we were...well, having sex before, this is a small ship. But now we live together, work together and obviously torture each other, and they have to witness it all.

Yesterday Vette had enough. She had something to say to me, but I was too busy with yelling at Malavai, and he was too busy with yelling back at me. She simply started to yell too, because "obviously this is the way to communicate here nowadays!" And then she stormed out and slammed some doors.

At first I was so relieved to just get Malavai back. I believe it was same for him too. I couldn't get enough of him. We talked, about his betrayal and everything around it, and I thought the hardest part was covered when that was behind us. I thought we can now just live and work and...be together. We didn't argue before he left me, not even once. I have a feeling it was because in every way I was his superior. I'm starting to feel I never even had a chance to see the true face of Malavai Quinn. I feel like he was acting all the time before, and now he is himself: Angry, resentful and obstinate.

The worst thing is...I don't think he wants me anymore. At first we were like rabbits (what ARE those, by the way?), doing it whenever there was a chance. And then he started to push me away. When I try to initiate some wrestling in the sheets, he simply leaves. He just doesn't want me anymore. His old cabin is now our sick-bay, and more often than not he spends the night there. I...I think I could just whack him to his senses about every other thing we fight about, but this one... It really makes me feel like I'm a failure. It is like...well, he refused me for a year before and I didn't mind it. But now...I thought he loves me. If he loves me, wouldn't he want to do it with me? Am I that repulsive to him? Why did he come back then?

\---

I sit alone with these thoughts on the flight deck. Suddenly I hear the steps behind me. Malavai? No, it is Pierce. He sits down on the chair, looks at me and then shakes his head.

"My Lord, seriously, you look like a shit. Sorry for my bluntness."

"It's alright, Pierce. Who wouldn't know by now that things didn't obviously work out as I'd hoped they would," I sigh to him.

"Look, I'm not a specialist when it comes to relationships and stuff, but I have learned a thing or two in this life. One of them is that things hardly ever work out as well as we hope. No wonder it is called "wishful thinking"."

"You can say that again,"I snort.

"But one thing I tell you, my Lord. I like that Quinn now much more."

"Really?" I'm in awe. I was sure everyone must hate him by now. They must see how his behaviour is hurting all of us.

"He isn't the fucking Mr. Protocol he used to be, and he isn't that self-important bootlicker either," Pierce chuckles. Then he continues:

"And he definitely puts up a good fight against you. My Lord, I'm just a simple soldier so I say this as it is: You are a strong, powerful man, in many ways. We are all happy about it 'cos we always know what you are expecting from us. But maybe in a situation like this, more...empathic touch is needed."

"For the love of whatever God, Pierce, I don't even know what that word means!"

"Yep, but I have been with women. More than once. Well, obviously you haven't, I mean, with the women, but I don't think it is any different. You just have to listen to them."

"But I am listening to him!"

"My Lord...No, you aren't. You are interrupting and speaking over him, you are ignoring him and you don't listen to him if it is not strictly work-related. Actually, you listen to anyone else but him. You don't even look at him when he is trying to tell you something. I have seen you changing the subject in the middle of his sentence." Pierce looks straight at me. "It is fucking painful to witness."

What he is saying rings a bell. I'm like that. I remember just from this day few times when I acted like he would be air, simply ignoring everything he said. I did it in front of everyone.

"I think you two have to figure it out by yourselves, and we hope you will, because if he walks out from this crew again we are not happy about it. Even Broonmark would be pissed," Pierce says, standing up. He slaps me on the shoulder and then leaves.

As Pierce would so eloquently articulate it: I'm so fucking depressed.

\---

After a night spent alone (again), I drag myself to the engine-room to see if Malavai is there. He is. He glances at me, nods, and then keeps doing whatever he is doing. I want to kick him.

"Morning. Slept well?" I ask, without even trying to hide the sarcastic tone of my voice. He lifts his head from his work, gazing at me, and I can see he is agitated.

"Are you trying to hint me I shouldn't sleep where I slept?"

"And what the actual fuck I said again to make you jump at my throat? I just wanted to see you and ask if you slept well, BECAUSE I wouldn't know it without asking, AS you hardly ever sleep next to me anymore! You are so damn sensitive with everything I say!" After finishing my rant, I storm out from the engine-room.

And then something hits me in the back.

He threw me with a tool. I don't know what tool, and it didn't hurt, but now I'm furious.

"What the hell do you think you are doing? You are throwing things at me? What are you, a three-years old? I'm telling you, Quinn, I'm starting to be full of your CRAP!"

Instead of giving in, he marches to me, grabs me from my shirt and yells:

"I HATE YOU! I hate you and how you treat me and how you have ALWAYS treated me! You would treat an akk-dog better than me! I CAN'T TAKE IT ANYMORE! "

Then he lets go of his grip on my shirt, and runs into the sick-bay. The door closes and I stand alone in the corridor.

Well, that went well.

**Didn't it? Just keep doing what you do, and all this stupid emotional stuff will be finished. You know, there are prostitutes. You don't have to turn into a doormat just to get some.**

_I'm doing it on purpose_. When I see it, I have to sit down on the floor. The high I got from making him to lose his temper, disappears instantly.

I'm doing all this so he wouldn't come close to me. To keep him at the arm's length.

**And you should! And why do you take all the fault now? Half of it is his. He is too sensitive. Too submissive. He could try harder, you know? He is scared of you, he simply can't take care of himself against you. It is not your job to babysit him.**

"Are you an idiot? That man just threw the Emperor's Wrath with _a wrench!_ " I snap at the Dark Side which, as always, would like to be in control.

"And shut up," I continue.

Malavai is right. I would treat an akk-dog better than I have treated him. Of course he is angry. I promised him to change, and in three months my behaviour is just as ignorant and selfish as it has always been when it comes to him. I honestly don't see when I'm like that. If it is pointed out to me afterwards, I can remember the situation and see that maybe I could've been a bit more considerate. But then I think he is just too sensitive and he shouldn't take it personally.

But I'm doing it all to make sure he wouldn't come too close to me. To sabotage his efforts. Why?

_To make sure he wouldn't have any control over me_. I can't stand the idea of being vulnerable with him. With anyone.

I stand up. Now this is ridiculous. I'm the Emperor's Wrath. So I'm seriously afraid that love would make me weak? It can only make me stronger, because I say so! There is nothing that can stand on my way, not even me.

I knock on the sick-bay's door. He doesn't open it, so I simply tear it open. Fine. Now we have to buy a new door.

He is sitting there on the bed, his face buried in his hands.

"Malavai...please love, forgive me..." I kneel in front of him, trying to take his hands in mine. He swipes my hands away. When I try to do it again, he stands up, trying to leave. He looks desperate. I can't let him leave, not anymore. He left me once. I'm going to make sure he doesn't have to do it again just because I'm so mean to him.

"Malavai, talk to me, please. I know I've been terrible to you..." I try to take him in my arms, but that makes him absolutely furious. He tries to push me away, and when that doesn't work either, he begins to yell at me:

"What next, you try to fuck me again? Because that's all I am to you, a hole! That's what I've ever been to you. And you dare to call that love! You make me sick! You are so disgusting in your selfishness I want to throw up when I have to sleep with you! _Don't touch me, don't!_ YOU HAVE NO RIGHT! Get your hands off me!"

My arms are around him and I'm holding him against my chest, trying not to hurt him while doing it. He struggles against me with all his strength, but my hold of him is tight. I don't know how long we fight like that, but in the end he gives up. He sobs and my neck is wet from his tears.

Somehow I have a feeling I've better to be ready to face some hard truths. I don't care, I'm so tired of this I have to hear why he hates me.

"Mal, can you tell me why you hate me this much? I understand that I've hurt you with my inconsiderate behaviour, but I have a feeling there is more. If you don't tell me, how can I ever fix it?"

"I-I don't know how to talk about those things. It is embarrassing and awkward."

"What things?" I lift his face to see it. I brush away the hair covering his eyes, to see them. His blue eyes are so full of pain I would cry if I had a habit of crying.

We sit down on the bed and I don't let my hands of him. I'm afraid he will run away if I don't stop him from doing it by holding him tight. Finally he lays his head on my shoulder and wraps his arms around me.

"Please, tell me what is on your heart. Everything. I can take it. I know how I've been to you, and we can talk about it later, but first I need to hear - what have I done to you that makes you not want me anymore?" I ask again.

He stiffens and his hands grab my shirt. My God, how can I make him talk? I lift his face up again to see his eyes.

"This one time you have to trust me. I'm on your side in this. Whatever I did to you, it must have been terrible and wrong and hurt you deeply."

For a moment he still hesitates, but then he decides it is safe to speak:

"How can I say...that worst has been how selfish you are in the bed? It is difficult for me to speak about things like that...but I feel used. I've always felt like you used me just to...like I would be an object. Something you use to empty yourself."

I knew I'm not going to like this.

"But you have never said anything about it. You have not even _once_ told me what you like, or what you would want me to do to you," I try to defend myself.

"You were my superior, the Sith I worshipped. You think I believed I had any rights to make demands, even when it was about my own body? And now things just have been...like before...and I just find myself feeling angry and used and like you don't care a bit how it feels to me."

He is biting his lips. Then he takes a deep breath and continues, now looking me straight in the eyes:

"You were my first. Of course, you still are. How can I tell you what I want or what I like when I have no idea myself? And it hurt, at first, and I was too ashamed to say anything. I thought...it just is like that. And at the same time... I wanted you so much and I simply couldn't resist you. Just seeing you walking past me made me weak from want...but sleeping with you leaves me feeling empty and sad and I don't know what to do about it."

I have no words. I simply have no words to describe how I feel. The absolute, devastating realisation of myself. There is no way to hide it anymore, and definitely no way to hide by blaming Malavai. I remember taking him for the first time, and it was far from the consideration and care I was lucky to receive on my first time.

I have ruined it for him, and every single time after that. And there has been many times.

"I-I don't believe making love should feel bad..." He says, avoiding my eyes now.

"No, Malavai," I whisper to him, "it shouldn't. And it is my fault it feels bad for you."

No wonder he doesn't want to sleep with me. I wouldn't wonder if he wouldn't want to sleep with me ever again.

I could ask stupid questions. Like, no women? Ever? So you are just as gay as me? How did a man, looking like you, manage to stay untouched that long?

But I won't ask those questions, and I never will. One day he might want to tell me about it, but it really doesn't matter. What matters is that I have abused him. All this time he has given me his love, and I just spat all over it.

I bury my face in his hair. How can I ever repair this? How can I ever fix what I have broken with my selfishness and ignorance? He is a beautiful, precious being. He deserves much more than I ever gave him. And he definitely didn't deserve to be abused like that.

One of the old Sith-scholars once told us in the Academy that we all have a wake-up-call in our lives. It calls us to become the person we are meant to be. Most people never follow it because changing yourself is hard work and they are afraid of it. But if you pay attention to it, it will change you for good. I believe Malavai had his when he had to leave me after what he did. Even a blind would see he is not the same person anymore.

I'm thinking... I'm sitting in the middle of my wake-up-call right now. This moment will determine what kind of a person I will be for the rest of my life. Either continue to be selfish and ignorant with the people who love me, or I will grow to accept that love.

And what I will say next determines what will happen to us. If I try to defend myself in any way, if I give even the tiniest excuse to my behaviour, there will be no relationship to save. It might drag on for some time, but it will end. And I don't want it to end. I love Malavai, and I want to be with him for the rest of my life, no matter how long or short it will be.

I hold his face between my hands and I make sure he is seeing my eyes when I tell him:

"Malavai, I love you. None of this is your doing. It is me, and my fear of you being too close to me. My fear of being vulnerable. Whatever dark depths in me I have to face to be the man you deserve in your life, I will do it. It can take some time, but it is not your responsibility to take me there. It is mine, and mine alone. All I ask is this: Stay and see if I can do it. If you are one day finding yourself thinking that I never changed, then leave me for good and never look back. I so hope I don't have to see that day, but if it comes to that I have deserved it.

Malavai wipes away the tears from his eyes, and then nods.

"Do you still love me?" I ask. Again he nods.

"Then, there is one thing I can fix right now. If you like what I'm doing, tell me. If you don't like it, or it feels uncomfortable, tell me and I will figure it all out. In this I need your help, I'm not a mind reader, unfortunately."

I start kissing him, and then, for the first time, I make love to him. I do it with my heart and soul. I worship him with my body, and I finally allow him to feel my love.

And when he cries my name while coming, pushing himself against me...the satisfaction and fulfilment it makes me feel is something I have never experienced before.

 

**Author's Note:**

> When I wrote this I didn't know that officially Malavai Quinn is 37-years old. Yaiks! I'n my mind he was 30. So, my Malavai is 30. Wrath is even younger, maybe 27-28.


End file.
